BLISS(short film) -A OLU YOMI OSOSANYA FILM

THE BEREAN SCRIBE- THE CASE FOR MODESTY- A ROAD LESS TRAVELLED

A little while back, i was pretty intense about the topic of modesty; how a woman dressed and what was appropriate for a  daughter of Christ.  I have a note called Letter to my Unborn, and i was actually told i was naive, for expecting chastity and purity from a woman in the 21st century BY A WOMAN, Who went me it was unrealistic to think that an adult woman wouldn't have been with a few men by the time she in her early twenties. Pardon me for wanting the absolute best for my daughter. And somehow i don't think God is going to accept "It's the 21st century" as an excuse for not living up to the standards of purity that he has of us.

So why am i so adamant on the issue of modesty? Well i believe in sowing and reaping, if you plant an acorn you'd be foolish to expect a pine tree to grow.

I'm going to be a father, uncle, God father to a beautiful young woman someday, and i want a young man in her generation and circle of friends, to take this same stance. Despite the fact that society expects him to encourage and lust after it.

A statement i heard from a guy last year, though i do not totally agree with it really says a lot about the perception many guys have out there "what a woman in willing to show , she's willing to share"  After hearing that i placed it as a status update , and i got several messages proclaiming it untrue. And after following my cries for women to dress more modestly and cover up their bosoms. I was further told that "no matter what a woman wears some men will lust. TRUE
But look at it this way

Toby has a golden retriever called Brody. Brody is the friendliest Dog on the planet. and everybody absolutely loves him. So one day sees something in a movie and he decided to stat buying raw steaks soaked in blood for Brody. After two months of this Brody has acquired a taste for blood, and noone could blame him when he took a big wet bite out of Toby's you know what.  Was Brody responsible for his own actions, yes, would it have happened if Toby hadn't raised an appetite for blood, not likely.

Culture whether it be the TV shows from 90210, SATC,Nip Tuck Bold & Beautiful , that have the characters hopping from bed to bed with no consequences, and then trotting down the streets in fabulous clothes , We have picked up those ideals and whether we realize it or not subconsciously apply them to our lives.

It almost impossible to even watch a Disney cartoon now without the female characters exposing cleavage. Don't believe me!!! Go back and check Snow White, Cinderella,Belle(Beauty &the Beast) and the more recent The Princess and the frog. Should little children be exposed to so much skin even if it's animated. Is that the example for little girls and expectation for little boys. I'll let you be the judge of that.

You think I've gone too far , it's too little to worry about ? If you think little things like that don't matter, you obviously have never been bitten by a mosquito.

But that's enough of my opinion.What does the Bible say

1 TIMOTHY 2:9
And i want women to be modest in their appearance.They should wear decent and appropriate clothing and not draw attention to themselves………

MATTHEW 18:7 How terrible it will be for anyone who causes others to sin. Temptation is inevitable,but how terrible it will be for the person who does the tempting

ROMANS 12:1

Therefore i beseech you brethren that you present your bodies a living sacrifice , Holy and acceptable unto God which is your reasonable service

1 CORINTHIANS 6:1

Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, .... For we are the temple of the living God; just as God said, "I WILL DWELL IN THEM .... ..

PROVERBS 7:1-27 The Proverb of the Immoral Woman.

Contrary to popular belief, she was not a prostitute. She was a married woman with too much time on her hands after the day time soaps. He husband was away on business , she she decided to wear a hot lil number and seduce a young man back to her bed.

 

Too many of our choices are affected by social proof. We look around to see what everyone else(society) is doing and we determine our next move by that. Our clothing choices are made by what is popular, what would draw the most attention to us, and a lot of the time by what celebrities are wearing.

Ladies have more precision in the choice of clothes they wear than men do. They praise, asses and judge themselves and each other by their clothing. The  desire to look attractive and turn heads is natural. everyone want to be noticed and acknowledges. But there is a vast difference between being attractive respectively, and being sensual thereby raising a sexual appetite in the men around them.

Now , many are not aware of this, they might actually just love the figure hugging dress, without knowing what it does to the men around them.

Let's take a hypothetical situation.

SCENARIO 1
Kevin is a dynamic guy. He's funny and at the same time carries a sense about him that disarms even the most frosty of people. He also have a love for scripture and leaves you spellbound in his exposition of Bible passages. The past six months in fellowship have been amazing and you are learning so much from him, you wonder how come his head hasn't exploded from carrying such spiritual insight.

Summer comes round and away go the coats , out come the shades, shorts and t shirts. Looking sharp as always he wears a track suit top and jeans. You say hi before service and you tell him you want to get some of his thoughts on a particular passage you've been studying. He agrees and you plan to meet after service.

Service is going great and due to all the dancing and the heat generated, Kevin takes off his track top to reveal a bleach white T Shirt. You do a double take when you see what's inscribed on it  .

A giant red arrow pointing to his crotch with the words JOYSTICK in bold black letters. Shocked you have to wipe your eyes to make sure you are seeing clearly.

The next week he has a shirt that says NICE LEGS, WHAT TIME DO THEY OPEN

Now, how would that affect your perception of Kevin? Would you say those shirts speak a little about his state of mind. Would you consider a little bit inappropriate for him to wear that to church or as a Christian?

If he told you "it's just a cool T Shirt, i couldn't resist"  what would you think of that reasoning.


HOLD THAT THOUGHT

SCENARIO 2
Jennifer, wears a sexy dress that accentuates her hour glass body, the top shows just a little bit of cleavage ,but nothing too serious, unless she bends over, which has no intention of doing. She comes to church and she sits opposite Raymond. Raymond just became a christian 3 years ago.

As a teenager he had lived promiscuously and dabbled in pornography. He's let his eyes linger on girls bodies, watching the jog in the park, and he'd plan how he'd bed them, which he usually succeeded . But since becoming a christian he has put that life behind him. He doesn't party anymore, has cancelled his cable, and when he's not a work he at home or in church spending time in the word. But now he's at church were he's meant to feel safe.

And there, Jennifer is there directly opposite him. Her plunging neckline and curvaceous catches his eyes and he has to remind himself that he's not meant to look. he turns his head, but to his left and right are other girls, that wanted to feel sexy that day too. Raymond goes home frustrated, but he made it through. He fights those impure thoughts that try to rise, those plotting he would have done in the past. His ex girlfriend shows up for a visit and one thing leads to another. His former nature connects all the dots, already in a weakened state and he falls into sin.

Now, did Jennifer intend to do this. Probably not. She may have just really liked that dress, or just wanted a Jennifer looks great today  But dressing in an immodest way. Her desire to look sexy and showing off what should have remained covered acted as a catalyst for lust in Raymond's life. Raymond was responsible for his own action and choices, but the lust triggered by Jennifer's choice of clothes. 


CATALYST

1) A substance that increases the rate of a chemical reaction without itself undergoing any permanent chemical change

2) A person or thing that precipitates an event

"Purity of motive does not  cancel the effect of your appearance"

A revealing dress is like the season preview for a hit tv show, or the trailer for the most anticipated summer movie. Anyone that has seen the trailer to great TV show or movie knows how their appetite has been wet and their eagerly wait to see the whole thing.

No matter how Holy a man is, there is not OFF switch to his hormones, he just works hard at keeping them at bay, and avoiding triggers. Even David , a man after God's own heart fell, but you have to wonder what a married woman was doing bathing publicly where anyone could see her.

On some level we are communicating by how we dress- Al Mohler- Discerning your Culture

NOW , no one is saying that it's a sin to look or be sexy, but deliberately setting out in a sensual appearance is not only sinful, but it's asking for trouble. No one is suggesting that Christian girls should dressed like Nuns, Amish or like Ninja's covering from head to toe. It is possible to absolutely gorgeous wearing a t shirt and jeans. The truth which most guys would admit is that , the very same smoking hot girl in the halter top that they date and show off to all their friends, they either never take her home to mom, or they will require a serious wardrobe change before they do.

Do guys around you have to pull a Joseph because they want to avoid impure thoughts?

Those that don't pull a Joe, do they have anything else staring back at them other than your eyes?

If placed in a Usual Suspects type line up, would you stand out from the girls that are out there to seduce or those looking for a quick roll in the hay, and thus dress to attract guys with the same desire?

Are you more like Esther or Delilah in your dressing?

Do you strengthen the character and spiritual growth of the men around you, or are you causing their resolve to weaken?

Ever wonder why that friend of yours keeps on attracting horny losers. She may want to check the way she dresses.

Modesty goes beyond dressing, and is also about the way a woman carries and presents herself. A flirtatious ,sensual or provocative aura, even while covered head to toe is asking for the wrong type of attention.

So let's even forget about men. Does you dressing honor God?

If Jesus showed up and wanted to take you to dinner, Would you be ready to go immediately or would you have to go change? How long would it take you to find an appropriate dress or gown?

Would you even be able to open the door for him or tell him to wait while you run to go throw on a sweater or a shawl to cover up your modesty.

The answer to those questions should be the determining factor in how choices are made in  appearance.

This note is not about pointing fingers , i write with the best intentions I'd want someone to say these things to my daughter or niece in my absence. Therefore I'm paying it forward

CONFESSION OF A SEMI REBOUND GUY

You came into my life
with that sunny smile and bubbly personality of yours
i wondered why someone so wonderful would just waltz into my life

I was there for you
I cared for you
i answered every phone call at all hours
i responded every mail and text message

I showered you with praise and attention
and never had an agenda or ulterior motive
i just enjoyed your  company and every moment with you

It seemed like bliss , it  all seemed wonderful
and then

You'd breeze past me like a hurricane
without even as much as a hi on your way to meet him
i thought he was the past
you'd stand me up even when you called for a meet and never apologize
I'd stand in the cold waiting for you'd show up with someone else
you'd zone out when it was my turn to talk
you'd call me by his name time and time again

The hurt the pain the confusion
so much time together, so many emotions
what does it all mean, am i over reacting, paranoid?

Your mind boggling question like a rubix cube with disco lights
Why don't you like me?
Are you ashamed of me ?
Why are you making me miss you?
She likes me , She likes me not
i can never figure out exactly where i stand

And then those words were uttered
did i mean nothing to you
all that time spent was in vain, meaningless

Was i just an emotional gigolo
a burn recovery ward for your hurts and fights
a surrogate boyfriend doing all the work and no rewards
a pacifier for when he was not available
a dealer to your Attention junkie fixes
only good enough when he's not emotionally or physically available

I was everything you wanted ,needed
everything inside that you wished he could be ,
saying all the right thing being all the right things
yet i mean nothing to you because "there's no spark"

Pardon Me
I should see you when he's not around

WHAT!!!!!

That's it , I'm done
I'm done, I'm out
You came into MY life
you said he was the past
i never asked much or pressured you
treated you like royalty
and this is how you do me!!
that's who i am to you

I'm walking away
i should have seen you were trouble from the start
taught me so many lessons , about being with
"on a break" hearts
Jeze u have struck the final chord
This is the last time
I'd hurt myself for the sake of being with you
good bye good luck

Tick Toc Tick Toc
FFWD 9 MONTHS

Hello , Who is this, WHO
Oh , it's you
I wondered why i was smelling brimstone
So, What made you remember me today Delilah
You want me to what!!
I should call you what?
Sorry, no more terms of endearment
That ship has sailed,
been given a Viking burial
and gone to Davy Jones locker
As i recall, there was "no spark"
Huh....You're sad
He messed up, got tired of your ways and
walked away from you
OH i get it, shoes on the other foot now
2nd degree burn
I should meet you where?
You want to give what a try
Re Kindle what?
Woman please, Do i look like a glutton for punishment
It hurts so bad!!, Oh really!!
Cry me a river build a bridge and get over it
Slither away just like you slithered in
like crack cocaine flushed down the toilet
i wave Good Bye, but it wasn't nice seeing you

RE: WHY WOULD SHE WANT YOU

I received a comment from a fellow blogger in response to my note 

She said, .....well, let me let her speak for herself

If she does exist...why would she want you? afterall you said it yourself, you are no Adonis. If she is God fearing(un rivalled passion for Holiness), Gorgeous, Modest, Intelligent, Funny and really down to earth; then she would want someone equally as modest and down to earth and the fact that you have all these requirements implies that you aren't. But goodluck!

First of all, she'd have to redefine the word MODEST for me,I must have missed that English class while pulling a Ferris Bueller. I never made any lofty claims about myself so what's your basis? . The whole point of the note, was on dispelling the concept settling, I was not making a casting call for dates or sending out some coded message.

It seems a certain someone just skimmed through the note to find points to disagree on and proceed to launch an attack. Must be my cologne or maybe i just remind her of someone that she doesn't like very much, or like she suggested to me , maybe she falls several notches short of the requirements as she so put it and this is transfer of aggression. I dunno, i'm just speculating ....or maybe the real question is "Have we met, and did I annoy you?? lol Just Kidding, but jokes aside.

Is she saying I shouldn't have any requirements or expectations, especially of someone I'm going to spend the rest of my days with? That nobody should have criteria for what they want in a mate and take her as she comes?

I dunno about you young lady, but I certainly want to get the best I possibly can when signing a life long contract for admission into that school called marriage, which death is the only graduation in my books. Since i don't believe in divorce, recreational dating, illicit sex ,hedonism,or any of that foolishness seen in daytime soaps I'd like to be rewarded for my wait.

Fact is, looks are not as big a priority to me now, as I've seen surface beauties, who look like Freddy Kruger when you strip away their great looks and examine their character, but that is another topic and beside the point, let me re-emphasize in case anyone missed it, I was dispelling SETTLING and not suggesting that every woman should embody those qualities. After all , if a woman wants a Prince Charming of some sort that has the physical abilities of Superman/Hercules the sensibilities of Mr Rogers, and the charm of Don Juan, why begrudge me?

The reason why most people fail, or don't get what they want in life, is not because they aim too high and miss, but that they aim too low and hit the ground. So I say shoot for the moon, and if you miss, at least you'll land amongst the stars.

Think about it, the person that wants to build a house,"does he not count the cost"?

First of all, he puts a blue print of what he wants from that house. He is the one going to live in the house so the naysayers and neighbours opinions don't matter. He designs the house for what he wants to get out of it.

If he wants security he does not build a cabin in the middle of the projects, with French windows and no lock on the door.

If he wants privacy he does not build a glass house on Time square with Neon lights and no curtains.

A man that wants a a sports car does not go to a Buick Dealership.

A woman that wants a security dog does not go to the poodle shop.

A child that wants to become an athlete does not go on a sumo wrestler diet and sit at home watching re runs of Gilligan's Island.

So Miss Blogger, if you willing to have the lowest, or no expectations from a life time spouse. If someone's left overs are what you are willing to have . If a person that has no character , no regard for Holiness ,up tight and overtly serious is cool with you!!. Well. you are totally welcome, it is a free world . But i personally opt out of that club.

As for her wanting me?Well, that is up to her isn't it.

SCRIBE'S MOMENT OF CLARITY- SKIN DEEP

Mo Town hit band The Temptations sang the song "Beauty's only skin deep yeah yeah yeah".


Those words resonate deeply more and more everyday with me in 2010, as i face new horizons. I've always admired Beauty in women, been the number one fan of aesthetics.I have had very beautiful woman as friends and acquaintances for most of my life. Like most men, great looks have been a desire in a love interest, but these days it has dropped further down the totem pole , not discarded, but it holds less relevance in balance to other important factors.

Experience has taught me that a beauty is the least thing to consider. Solomon the world's wisest man, and also owner of a 700 strong harem a beautiful woman without discretion is like a gold ring in a pig's snout " .He then went on to talk about the Proverbs 31 woman. Given is wisdom and vast experience on the topic ,I think he's a man that knows what he's talking about.

I've seen a beautiful woman turn to a fire breathing banshee right before my eyes .WHY?? For the first time in 5 years after receiving nothing but constant complements,support and constant praise from in our friendship ,i finally asked her to work on a recurring vice which was a hindrance to our friendship and her relationship with others. Others had complained about it , but were afraid to bring it to her attention. This vice had caused friction for many years personally and professionally.

Upon mentioning it, She blew her stack and after launching an assault with a verbal meat cleaver, which would had made






Freddy Kruger shiver,

HOW DARE YOU!!!,  she proceeded to tell me where to shove my concerns and cut me off. Never heard from her again.

Could i have structured by appeal a bit different, probably, was my approach a little bit inciting , maybe. But a friendship ended based on a request to discard a vice??. Makes me question if it truly was a friendship, and not a  "piss me off and you're gone", contract.

A great personality on the surface had hidden a lack of character, and the skin deep beauty, stripped away to reveal a vindictive and ugly trait that spit venom when things did not go her way. This happens with men too , the charmer suddenly becomes a wife beater, or verbal abuser. The handsome devil, key word being DEVIL, suddenly reveals his horns.

MOMENT OF CLARITY!!,
Don't get too carried away with personality ,closely examine a person's character and stay far away from those that refuse to be corrected and wear their vices like a merit badge to be proud of.

Male or Female ,Beauty(Great Looks) and Personality are subject to depreciation depending on time and circumstances. Beauty will fade or become you will become jaded with it, and someone hotter will always be round the corner. Think about it, Look what happened to Halle Berry and Eric Bennet. How many times did Elizabeth Taylor marry, more than 5 times, and she was one of the most beautiful women to ever grace movie screens. Beauty can't sustain a relationship. Neither will money, look at the number of marriages Donald Trump has had.

Personality is like cotton candy, it tastes good but offers no substance or nutrition.  You enjoy it, but it can't help you heal when you're hurting or grow from tough circumstance. Personality is important, but the not the end all.

CHARACTER on the other hand;like fine wine grows in the midst of those very same circumstances. Character is that palm tree in Florida that survives the hurricanes and comes out stronger, while personality either; collapses, runs for cover or disappears at the first sign of adversity and rarely comes out better from that experience.

Beyond human beauty, this applies to other aspects of life. A house might be beautiful on the outside, but on the inside, the walls are cracking, the electrical work is badly insulated and the plumbing is leaking. People driving by would go "WOW ,what a beautiful house, you're so lucky" only those that actually invested emotions,finances  and actually in that house would know the raw deal the of un-investigated beauty pays.

There will be business deals( relationship), that are a sweet deal on the surface, maybe even genuinely. But if we are dealing with a person that lack integrity, and believes  "the end justifies the means, use any and all means necessary" . We only have ourselves to blame when unpleasant things happen.

RANDOM THOUGHTS- SCiTOMA, "SETTLING", AND LESS THAN PERFECT

A little under a year ago, i got into a debate with three people, a very LONG debate about relationships.I held the side of the debate that in a marriage partner, i wanted a woman that was God fearing(un rivalled passion for Holiness), Gorgeous, Modest, Intelligent, Funny and really down to earth. At the risk of sounding narcissistic,i went  to say she had to be much more better looking than me, the kids gotta get their looks from their gorgeous mom,lol.

Now, I'm not Adonis, or whoever happens to be the current heartthrob of the ladies,but i hold my own. They went livid at my expectations, these three people told me that i was naive, it was impossible to find such a woman.From their intensity, there weren't saying  I ,couldn't find her, but that she simply did not exist,anywhere in this solar system .The went on to say  i was not being realistic and i should expect to settle for much less, (dunno if that was praise for me, or a diss)

I couldn't believe it!!!, What was i hearing!!!. Settle for less!!! Were those traits too much to ask for? Is there not a woman on the planet that meets those criteria??  I mean, if someone possessed all those would see implode because no one person can have all those traits.

This debate went of for several hours , back and forth. I made my case, but they always shot me down, telling me i was living in a fantasy world, and i was not going to find such a woman on this planet. I should be like everyone else and SETTLE( I'm beginning to resent that term). After all, the married one's amongst them had settled for less than they wanted or expected and the others in dating relationships had also settled. (Little wonder ,confusion and  compatibility issues always arose in those relationships)

When i told them that i actually had a friend in my college days that had everyone of those traits, they fought me on it, and said

-i was lying, and didn't know her well enough

-Since i had not dated her , i was not clued in to the real her.  ,  

-if she really had all those traits , why wasn't i with her right now.

My point wasn't if i was with her or not, the point was that i had seen someone with all those traits. They fought me relentlessly, telling me since there was no romance involved i didn't know the real deal about her. It made me wonder why they were so determined to disprove my claim.

Ok, here's the Haymaker. The other three people on the opposite side of the debate ,were ALL WOMEN!!!!.

They insisted that settling was the key to being in a relationship. I couldn't understand it, were they telling me that , they didn't have embody those traits,? None of their friends,sisters, cousins anywhere in the world had or could embody all those traits. You would think i was asking
for Wonder Woman's genetic identical                                                                        .

I dunno about anyone else , but I'm still not convinced by the concept of "settling". In fact, no matter how great a relationship is going, if i find out that a woman i am seeing considers me settlement, there are gonna to be issues that day.

NOW granted, some people have their head in the clouds about their expectations from a partner in a relationship. Their perspective is clouded by what they've seen in romance movies,watched on day time soaps, read in soft sell novels. Those unrealistic blinders are what cause problems in their relationships or  their attempts  to enter one.  THAT is a different topic entirely.

We don't settle for friendships do we? We don't look round, and then pick friends out of the lowest of the low. We don't see people, that don't share our values,beliefs have parallel direction in life ,and then go "oh, i can't find anyone else, so I'll pick that one, that will cause me frustration for the duration of the friendship"

If you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person, do you really want to wake up in the morning, see your spouse, and have nagging at the back of your mind "i could have done much better".

Soon, that nagging thought is going to become bitterness in your conscious mind. Whenever you spouse does something lower than your expectations and resentment for your choice slowly builds. You will become like the man, that ordered something at the restaurant, and then sees what the patron on the next table is having and wishes he ordered that instead.

I'm not saying we should seek perfection in a potential spouse. As there are no perfect human beings, the perfect man or perfect woman is an impossibility. However, we can still find that person we want, without succumbing to the idea of settling.

Settling is : "I can use save up for the house i really want for the next 6 months, and sacrifice some special treats". OR "I can still enjoy my treats ,make no sacrifice and settle for a 1 bedroom flat available right now,  and then console ourselves with the rationale after all, why do i need a house ,when a flat will do".

Pretty soon, when friends that endured annoying room mates, while sacrificing and saving, move into their own places, you begin to feel like a prisoner in that flat that you settled for. It's suddenly not so homely, and is too small. Now for someone else that REALLY wanted a flat, it's a great place, but not for YOU since you settled.

Peak performance coach, Tony Robbins, has several saying "Our lives are nothing but a mirror of our most consistent thoughts" he is also known to say We get more of what we focus on.  another one is we have no limitations, our only limitations are our expectations


In the Bible ,Job said What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me.Job 3:25 And guess what!, His worse nightmare manifested in his life.


What is my point with those quotes?

As long we limit ourselves to "settling", we should not be surprised when we get it.
As long as we operate through the mental blinders, and the paradigm of, i'll never find such and such a person with these certain traits.  Our mind shuts out all those people present.

When we do that,we have given our subconscious the direct command to make us blind to those people and it obeys since it does not distinct fact from fiction. Psychologists call it , Scitoma, a blind spot, that stops us from seeing what is right in front of us.

A man that wears yellow tinted shades will see the world as yellow and would never be unable to see other colors properly. Every color would be distorted and perceived through yellow, until he removes those tints. The same goes for everything else in life, when we wear those settle tints, that is what we will consistently get.

I'm not suggesting, searching or waiting for perfection , because as humans that is never going to exist, and if we aren't perfect, it's unfair to expect it from someone else. If we have run off every prospective person because we are petty about habits which are changeable, that's our own fault, and should not assume that there are no available people with our desired traits. The friend i admired was not perfect,(was a bit loco which i liked),I actually did make a move, but  she turned me down :(, but that did not take away the fact she had the desired traits, and ironically we  become closer friends after the turn down.( imagine that)

I think romance is a little......ok  HUGELY overrated. People skip the friendship foundation, in search for someone that lights a spark. Problem with a spark, that it there for less than a second, and gone with no evidence of it ever existed.

When finding a partner,(speaking as a guy now,ladies can flip it) it should be more than just physical attraction, or earning power.

It should be someone years down the marriage ,you will be willing to care for when she's sick in bed and you haven't kissed or made love in months, but you are still crazy about her.

You should be a better man spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and financially as a result of having her in your life.

YES, romance is important, BUT no human has the energy to be romantic 24/7 , 52 Weeks 365 Days. Even if by some miracle some is, it get's old and not so exciting after a while.When dating, if you do not have a GREAT friendship with that person, and it's only romance you seek, that relationship is VERY likely to have  short lifespan.

I will leave you with a quote from an unlikely source.

If you’re not married to your best friend, the marriage may have an issue at a certain point.-Ashton Kutcher

RANDOM THOUGHTS - RESTAURANTS, GREAT SHOES AND BUYER'S REMORSE

Have you ever been to a restaurant, you arrive and you look at the menu. Depending on the time of the month and your financial status , you look at what they have and then look at what you can afford. You then make your order, somewhat satisfied with the same order you make every time you are there. When your food arrives you dig and savor the taste taste quenches your hunger. Then the waiter brings the food of the person at the next table, the fragrance lifts you off your seat. You wish you had ordered what he had ordered even if it cost a little more, and your food begins to less appealing.

Have you ever been on the high street or in the mall. As you pass by a shop, something catches your eye. It's amazing, so beautiful, you can't take your eyes off it. Without a second thought you rush into the shop and put it on your credit card, even though you know you can't afford it. You take it home and try it on, and absolutely love it. 

THE  MORNING AFTER

 You wake up and see the newly purchased item , and it doesn't look so good. In fact, you are thinking What on earth was i thinking???. But it's too late, you have spent the money, and are stuck with something you don't want. Ladies will be more familiar with this. Those shoes that are too tight, but look so great, you still buy them, and then  a day later they look ugly,don't match anything in your wardrobe  and now you have a debt that isn't worth it.

It's called Buyer's Remorse.

Unfortunately, many people take this approach to relationships. They see or meet someone and get all excited. Like the person that rushes into the store without a second thought and put that item on the card, they rush into relationships; relationships that they can not psychologically, emotionally ,financially or spiritually afford in the long run.

Unlike the shoes, they may enjoy the sensation for weeks or even months, before remorse of some sort kicks in. They have invested in a person, a relationship, that may have some sort of value, but is more of a burden than they bargained for.

I'm not a relationship expert.In fact, i've been told categorically that because i don't bounce in and out of relationships every so often, i know nothing. So you can discard these analogies, and tell me that

"Love is not a science".
"It's not black and white", and my personal favorite
"You can't translate such analogies to real life,things don't always work out that way",

MAYBE, but one thing i know is, i can vicariously learn from other people's mistakes and avoid them myself . I've seen too many "madly in love" engagements scatter beyond repair within a few minutes, and it had nothing to do with cheating .I dunno about you, but i bruise like a grape,and  I'd rather learn vicariously from those observations than experience it for my self.

Many of those that tend to make those excuses, are caught in  vicious cycle.

They are in and out of the same type of relationships  2 or 3 times within an 18 months span. They'd rather endure the pain of temporary pleasure they get from those relationships, than the pain  and patience of some ALONE time without any form of romantic involvement.A time they take to discover themselves and working on becoming the person that is ready for a better longer lasting and permanent relationship.

As Valentines is round the corner, i wish you all the very best, and hope that the impulse factor doesn't play a part, for this one day event. And over emotional  choices are not made that bring upon buyer's remorse.

Lead your life with your heart, but guide & manage your choices with your head

FRIENDS AND LOVERS minus THE IMPULSE FACTOR (concluded)

I saw a documentary several years back which claimed according to scientific research, the maximum the neuro chemical reaction lasts is seven years,7 YEARS!!!.

Hench the theory of the “7 year itch” The only thing that can keep a relationship going after that is the foundation it was built on , which comes back to the friendship I’ve been talking about.

I guess I can understand the concept, in my case as a man, meeting a hot new girl , and going though the process of “pulling” , there’s a lot of excitement in that. After all, there’s nothing like being the one with the new hottie in town. But just because our body is saying YES, do we do so?

If i have diabetes and that pack of Haribos or Ben & Jerry’s is calling out, Do i answer?

Whatever i discover along the line upon taking that action, I have only myself to blame, cause I jumped into this relationship head first (or otherwise) with my eyes closed.

Taking another analogy from the movies, this time being, 'Brown Sugar'(Taye Diggs,Sanaa Lathan), the two life long friends eventually fell in love with each other, because no one knew them the way they knew each other. The people that pure physical attraction brought them to didn’t work out, because those couldn’t see beyond what they could see and “feel”.

YES, i know, life doesn’t always work out that way, or have a Hollywood ending,

YES i know it's not a science you can sit down and draw on a chalk board, but why bother with all the repeated heart wrenching, when a little patience and sound thinking can change the entire equation to your favor.

I'm not saying that physical attraction is not important I appreciate Beauty,and finding a woman attractive . Attraction definitely has it's place, i'll be the last person to deny that. I have female friends i find VERY attractive, but that does not mean im going to chase them for a relationship based only on attractiveness(id be in deep trouble if it were so). SO,please, im not saying attraction is not important.

What I'm just saying,is that we should not leap into a relationship with a person whose character we have not discovered. A person we have not built at least some level of friendship with, because we have been conditioned by high school TV shows and rom coms to move on impulse based on physical attraction. There may and will be cases where the couple go on to dig deep and actually do get to know each other and it becomes solid,but we all know that is not often the case.Not EVERY mutual attraction means a relationship should result.

It's not an absolute science, but it certainly beats crying in your cheerios, because you've been dumped and replaced as a result of that very same 'impulse factor'. There may be cases where impulse has lead to a great marriage, but then again those are very minute cases in contrast to those that don't.

I personally don't believe in recreational dating, dating without a purpose, or simply doing it cos you feel it's the thing to do and want to have someone to make out with(snog),bump hips and have your arm around on a weekend.

I believe you can get to know a person, and have a better chance of knowing the real person as a friend or neutrally , when neither one of us,is not putting on a show for dating impressions.

Dating should have a destination,which is usually courtship and then to tying the knot. (a topic for another day) YES, not all of them will end up in marriage, but at least you'll know you thought it through before taking a swan dive into it.

Take a look at any Happy successful marriage relationship and you would mostly likely find out that they’d reveal that they have a great friendship.When I say successful ,just still being together is not in that definition, THAT, is called being flatmates. There's a difference between existing together and living together.

Which is why it makes no sense for a husband or wife to have a best friend that is a confidant outside, but that is a topic for another day.

© 2009 OLUDASCRIBE Ltd.
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LIFE LESSONS FROM CLASSIC MOVIE CHARACTERS

In the movie Back to the Future(1985). A 1980's teenager, finds him self transported back to 1965, in a time machine created my his mad scientist friend .He interrupts his teenage parents from meeting and  falling in love and now has to fix it, or face being erased from his own future. 

Back to the Future is one of my favorite movies. Written &Directed by Robert Zemekis, the man behind movies like Romancing the Stone, Who Framed Roger Rabbit and more recently Beouwulf.  Apart from it being a phenomenally well made  movie , 25 years on, the movie has stood up well, you rarely get a dated vibe from it. It matches and even surpasses many movies made with superior technology and larger budgets. With a stellar cast, and a phenomenal script, it's a family classic to be enjoyed for generations to come.

There are many lessons to be learned from the movie. The story presents the protagonist ,Marty McFly(Michael J Fox, Spin City) with a lot of choices from the beginning to the end. A wavelength of peaks and dips character arc is formed from the first installment, till the last third and final in the franchise, in which he grows,regresses and learns lesson that profoundly have a deep impact on him.  

Marty had a notorious temper, which everyone knew him for, and he did not like to back down from a challenge or insult.We see him in many situations, and this pattern begins to appear in his life, due to the choices he makes. With each installment, he faces antagonist Biff Tannen and the various incarnation of  him draws Marty into a situation and his short fuse causes him to react, and with each reaction there is a consequence, which increases the difficulty of his mission. 

His choice to react(-ve) instead of responding, enacted the law of cause and effect in his life unfailingly every single time. Not until the third installment, do we see him respond to a situation, and when he does this he literally saves his life and his future. 

Think about it, when you are given a prescription by a doctor, you either respond to the healing of the medicine, or your body disagrees with the chemicals and it reacts causing anything from rashes ,nausea, vomiting and an assortment of unpleasant experiences.

Life is very similar, the difference is we are in control of which way we go.In situation that arise, the choice we make, can either light a fuse ,or quench a fire. We can either strike up a friendship, or completely burn our bridges.  King Solomon, the richest and wisest man to ever live said  If you cannot control your anger, you are as helpless as a city without walls, open to attack.- Proverbs 15:18. 

If you've ever seen The God Father,SPOLIER ALERT and the character of Sonny played by James Caan, you would understand how profound a passage this is from over 2000 years ago.  Sonny was notorious for his temper, Mt Saint Sonny erupted like clockwork, you knew the trigger to get a rise out of him. He never failed to react like the Hulk whenever something displeased him.His enemies knew this and used this against him, and he died in a hail of bullets as a result.

Marty took pride in his anger, and how he used it to handle his challenges, and it always escalated a situation. His choice of anger always caused a ripple effect to his immediate or long term future, which had him running from pillar to post trying to rectify.  

Unlike Marty, none of us is going to have access to a time machine to go back and fix the mistakes we make. The choices we make now, in our relationships, careers, finances will have an effect somewhere down the line. The Christians and Jews call it, the law of sowing and reaping, the Buddhists call is Karma, Psychologists call it the law of Cause and Effect. Whatever label one chooses to remember it by, from now on we should take away that famous battle ready line from Maximus in the Oscar Winning movie Gladiator

What we do in this life, echoes in eternity

FRIENDS AND LOVERS minus THE IMPULSE FACTOR

For a long time I never understood the fine line that many people drew between friendships and dating/romantic relationships. They always believe that the two are complete and separate things. But then ,why the name boyfriend/girlfriend ? 

The suffix friend, at the end has already made certain the definition. A friend can be defined as somebody emotionally close, somebody who one trusts and is fond of, another  definition is  somebody that you know well and enjoy spending time with. 

If a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t fall under this category,you'll have to break it down to me like i'm a two year old cos I don’t know who does.

Sometimes you notice a strong friendship between a guy and a girl.To you and everyone that knows them, it is obvious that they have feelings, or at least care deeply for each other. When you tell either one of them, that they should take their relationship to the next level, the response usually is “we are too close”, “I’ve told him/her too much”, “it will spoil our friendship”. Does anyone see where I’m going with this?

You say you can’t date a friend, because they know too much about you!!! Exactly who then, do want to date!!!!, Someone that doesn’t know jack about you!!!

The irony of it, is that when one actually decides to date someone else, that was not previously a friend, they complain with one variation of, “he doesn’t understand me”, “we don’t seem to connect”, “she does not like to do the things i like”  NOW WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?

I don’t know about the ladies but guys are usually advised by their friends not to get too close with a girl they are interested in, because she would take you as a friend and you would be stuck in the Friendship Zone FOREVER. Sadly it's truly happens, sometimes , not totally the ladies fault. maybe  the dude losses :"the edge" or "mystery" that keeps him interesting on more than a platonic level, and he unconsciously plays the role similar to that of her female friends

Hence, why many ladies ignore the guy that has been there for them , the “nice guy”, who cares, but can never be anything more, and go for the quote “bad boy” who is more; adventurous,dangerous, mysterious , And as in any adventure, someone is going to come out with a few bruises and possibly broken bones, metaphorically, and sadly sometimes physically.

As defined earlier what exactly is a boyfriend or girlfriend; If they aren’t someone that knows you well and you enjoy spending time with.

I have always been of the belief and practice that if I really like a girl, I’d prefer to have a close friendship which would develop into a dating relationship by the time we both realize those feelings, and decide to elevate things. I ADMIT, It really has not worked out that way,still figuring it out, but i honestly still think it is better than ricocheting in and out of relationships every few months , engaging in an emotional and psychological traumatizing game of trail & error.

My point is , do we get intimate with a person before we actually get to know them as a person?

Who else would we be able to get along with than a friend?

Once again , don’t get this twisted, I’m not saying we should only date people that are already our friends, but why not develop a friendship with that person FIRST before opening our heart to them, and then later on start whining & sobbing about how the b*****d or b***h used,abused, then threw us away like a banana peel.

I think the problem with many of us, is that we fail to see what is right in front of us until it’s too late. I hate to use this analogy but I will anyway.

From the hit show,Dawson's Creek, take Dawson(James Van Ber Beek) and Joey(Katie Holmes),they’re best buds and are closer than close, both attractive , they know each other inside out and talk about everything. Dawson was lusting after the “forbidden fruit”(one that momma warned you about) girl, and failed to realize what he had all this time, until some else came and swept her off her feet, that’s when he started pining for her.

We too many times give in to the raw attraction we have to someone .

We guys, would probably be too wrapped up in the girls looks to think of anything else initially.

The girls, wrapped up in charm or charisma. We have not taken the time to discover WHO that person really is .

Like raw meat , which uncooked, is unsanitary,we often dive into romance without platonically sanitizing the person. Raw meat is good for Lions, but not for humans.

If we lack the patience to ;season it , marinade it and then cook it, before consumption, we may satisfy the immediate hunger , but the consequences of that choice will inevitably arise.

Using another food analogy. A meal which takes a few hours to cook, will always be more nutritious and satisfying, than a microwave dinner, which may look good, satisfy the immediate hunger, but ultimately is not really beneficial as it is full of artificial preservatives as opposed to natural and healthy ingredients.

Personally for me, the topmost thing that comes is CHARACTER.

 If she fails that test she could have Eva Longoria’s sex appeal, Janet Jackson’s smile ,Angelina Jolie’s lips and Shakira's body and I wouldn’t have a further thought.(Yes I know, you find that hard to believe).But many times we cast off restraints,and just think to our reasoning,"forget anything else, dude SHE’S HOT!!!” ,and i really can’t blame anyone. Self restraint over centuries of genetic programming, rarely wins and those that do forgo that opportunity, often wonder, hmmmm what could have been? 

But the results of entering a relation based purely and only on the synapses the person's great looks, fires off in our brains , rarely has chance of thriving. I've seen an 'Angel', switch to a screaming venom spitting Banshee, within a fraction of a second over a very trivial and petty issue.


Too many people may have nothing whatsoever in common, but the “I’m cute I think your cute, let’s get together”  seals the deal, which is enough for the first date. 

The next few dates will probably consist of making out( snogging), this will go on for a while and by the time they go all the way(home plate: fourth base,YATZEEE). They get bored and break up, the time of this break up varies , it may take between weeks or years but it's inevitable, one party or both suffering heart break. 

From that point either(or both) find a rebound guy/girl or they start all over again with a new person. It’s a vicious cycle that a lot of us needlessly put ourselves through.

Every relationship is about foundation, whether it be your normal platonic friendship, or family relationship or that with a romantic interest, it’s all about foundations.

British performer ,Kate Nash put it this way, “my finger tips are holding on ,to the cracks of our foundation”. 

Like any building that is built on a faulty foundation, it is all a matter of time before it comes caving in on you. When the waves come it's washed away like and the pieces lay strewn across the shore.

When the big bad wolf huffs and puffs, the house which; triviality,impulse,lust or chemical reactions based only on physical attraction built, would come tumbling down.

A relationship is a vehicle that carries the involved parties towards a desired destination. So picture a dating relationship started on impulse as a bullet train. Since no foundation was built , it moves from 0- 60mph within 4 seconds, and gains momentum .

Suddenly one party realizes the train is taking them in a direction that they do not want to go, and wants to stop the train. It's difficult to stop a bullet train that has gained momentum. A break up is slamming on the brakes and by the laws of physics (and Hollywood movies) there is only thing that can happen, that train is going to derail and people are either going to die or come out with severe injuries.

NOW If the relationship has built up momentum, from a  stroll , to a horse drawn carriage, to a car, both parties would have realized early if this was right for them. Let's face it , even marriages do not move at that bullet train speed.

The reason why many relationships fail is that they have faulty foundations. Foundations built solely on physical attraction and the way you 'feel' around them that can never last tough times and storms. Foundations, falsely reinforced by the physical activity that occupies time spent together creating drug like chemical reactions we get addicted to.

If making out ,and as a friend of mine puts it, “sack session” is ALL that takes up the entire time a dating couple spend together,

What happens the rest of the time?, or When your body is incapable of physical activity of that kind? What happens when the hottie , starts to look like the mom Cruella De Ville, or the Stud is more Homer Simpson than Adonis??

I admit, i honestly don't know what i'd do in that situation. Thus the reason for building a STRONG foundation beyond superficiality or just looks or how fun they are, personality does not often remain when facing adversity but character does. 

Those “feelings” you have are just hormonal neuro chemical reactions that would wear away with time, 

Then what!!! 

After all the making out and “making love” , the question is “What else do you have, that brings you together? That KEEPS you together? 

If some social, medical or political condition required that for an undisclosed number of months, your relationship must ONLY consist of sitting and talking , and the only physical contact allowed was holding hands. 

How long would you last? 

Would you be able to hold conversations and just enjoy each others company ONLY talking to each other?

TO BE CONTINUED