For a long time I never understood the fine line that many people drew between friendships and dating/romantic relationships. They always believe that the two are complete and separate things. But then ,why the name boyfriend/girlfriend ?
The suffix friend, at the end has already made certain the definition. A friend can be defined as somebody emotionally close, somebody who one trusts and is fond of, another definition is somebody that you know well and enjoy spending time with.
If a boyfriend or girlfriend doesn’t fall under this category,you'll have to break it down to me like i'm a two year old cos I don’t know who does.
Sometimes you notice a strong friendship between a guy and a girl.To you and everyone that knows them, it is obvious that they have feelings, or at least care deeply for each other. When you tell either one of them, that they should take their relationship to the next level, the response usually is “we are too close”, “I’ve told him/her too much”, “it will spoil our friendship”. Does anyone see where I’m going with this?
You say you can’t date a friend, because they know too much about you!!! Exactly who then, do want to date!!!!, Someone that doesn’t know jack about you!!!
The irony of it, is that when one actually decides to date someone else, that was not previously a friend, they complain with one variation of, “he doesn’t understand me”, “we don’t seem to connect”, “she does not like to do the things i like” NOW WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?
I don’t know about the ladies but guys are usually advised by their friends not to get too close with a girl they are interested in, because she would take you as a friend and you would be stuck in the Friendship Zone FOREVER. Sadly it's truly happens, sometimes , not totally the ladies fault. maybe the dude losses :"the edge" or "mystery" that keeps him interesting on more than a platonic level, and he unconsciously plays the role similar to that of her female friends
Hence, why many ladies ignore the guy that has been there for them , the “nice guy”, who cares, but can never be anything more, and go for the quote “bad boy” who is more; adventurous,dangerous, mysterious , And as in any adventure, someone is going to come out with a few bruises and possibly broken bones, metaphorically, and sadly sometimes physically.
As defined earlier what exactly is a boyfriend or girlfriend; If they aren’t someone that knows you well and you enjoy spending time with.
I have always been of the belief and practice that if I really like a girl, I’d prefer to have a close friendship which would develop into a dating relationship by the time we both realize those feelings, and decide to elevate things. I ADMIT, It really has not worked out that way,still figuring it out, but i honestly still think it is better than ricocheting in and out of relationships every few months , engaging in an emotional and psychological traumatizing game of trail & error.
My point is , do we get intimate with a person before we actually get to know them as a person?
Who else would we be able to get along with than a friend?
Once again , don’t get this twisted, I’m not saying we should only date people that are already our friends, but why not develop a friendship with that person FIRST before opening our heart to them, and then later on start whining & sobbing about how the b*****d or b***h used,abused, then threw us away like a banana peel.
I think the problem with many of us, is that we fail to see what is right in front of us until it’s too late. I hate to use this analogy but I will anyway.
From the hit show,Dawson's Creek, take Dawson(James Van Ber Beek) and Joey(Katie Holmes),they’re best buds and are closer than close, both attractive , they know each other inside out and talk about everything. Dawson was lusting after the “forbidden fruit”(one that momma warned you about) girl, and failed to realize what he had all this time, until some else came and swept her off her feet, that’s when he started pining for her.
We too many times give in to the raw attraction we have to someone .
We guys, would probably be too wrapped up in the girls looks to think of anything else initially.
The girls, wrapped up in charm or charisma. We have not taken the time to discover WHO that person really is .
Like raw meat , which uncooked, is unsanitary,we often dive into romance without platonically sanitizing the person. Raw meat is good for Lions, but not for humans.
If we lack the patience to ;season it , marinade it and then cook it, before consumption, we may satisfy the immediate hunger , but the consequences of that choice will inevitably arise.
Using another food analogy. A meal which takes a few hours to cook, will always be more nutritious and satisfying, than a microwave dinner, which may look good, satisfy the immediate hunger, but ultimately is not really beneficial as it is full of artificial preservatives as opposed to natural and healthy ingredients.
Personally for me, the topmost thing that comes is CHARACTER.
Sometimes you notice a strong friendship between a guy and a girl.To you and everyone that knows them, it is obvious that they have feelings, or at least care deeply for each other. When you tell either one of them, that they should take their relationship to the next level, the response usually is “we are too close”, “I’ve told him/her too much”, “it will spoil our friendship”. Does anyone see where I’m going with this?
You say you can’t date a friend, because they know too much about you!!! Exactly who then, do want to date!!!!, Someone that doesn’t know jack about you!!!
The irony of it, is that when one actually decides to date someone else, that was not previously a friend, they complain with one variation of, “he doesn’t understand me”, “we don’t seem to connect”, “she does not like to do the things i like” NOW WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?
I don’t know about the ladies but guys are usually advised by their friends not to get too close with a girl they are interested in, because she would take you as a friend and you would be stuck in the Friendship Zone FOREVER. Sadly it's truly happens, sometimes , not totally the ladies fault. maybe the dude losses :"the edge" or "mystery" that keeps him interesting on more than a platonic level, and he unconsciously plays the role similar to that of her female friends
Hence, why many ladies ignore the guy that has been there for them , the “nice guy”, who cares, but can never be anything more, and go for the quote “bad boy” who is more; adventurous,dangerous, mysterious , And as in any adventure, someone is going to come out with a few bruises and possibly broken bones, metaphorically, and sadly sometimes physically.
As defined earlier what exactly is a boyfriend or girlfriend; If they aren’t someone that knows you well and you enjoy spending time with.
I have always been of the belief and practice that if I really like a girl, I’d prefer to have a close friendship which would develop into a dating relationship by the time we both realize those feelings, and decide to elevate things. I ADMIT, It really has not worked out that way,still figuring it out, but i honestly still think it is better than ricocheting in and out of relationships every few months , engaging in an emotional and psychological traumatizing game of trail & error.
My point is , do we get intimate with a person before we actually get to know them as a person?
Who else would we be able to get along with than a friend?
Once again , don’t get this twisted, I’m not saying we should only date people that are already our friends, but why not develop a friendship with that person FIRST before opening our heart to them, and then later on start whining & sobbing about how the b*****d or b***h used,abused, then threw us away like a banana peel.
I think the problem with many of us, is that we fail to see what is right in front of us until it’s too late. I hate to use this analogy but I will anyway.
From the hit show,Dawson's Creek, take Dawson(James Van Ber Beek) and Joey(Katie Holmes),they’re best buds and are closer than close, both attractive , they know each other inside out and talk about everything. Dawson was lusting after the “forbidden fruit”(one that momma warned you about) girl, and failed to realize what he had all this time, until some else came and swept her off her feet, that’s when he started pining for her.
We too many times give in to the raw attraction we have to someone .
We guys, would probably be too wrapped up in the girls looks to think of anything else initially.
The girls, wrapped up in charm or charisma. We have not taken the time to discover WHO that person really is .
Like raw meat , which uncooked, is unsanitary,we often dive into romance without platonically sanitizing the person. Raw meat is good for Lions, but not for humans.
If we lack the patience to ;season it , marinade it and then cook it, before consumption, we may satisfy the immediate hunger , but the consequences of that choice will inevitably arise.
Using another food analogy. A meal which takes a few hours to cook, will always be more nutritious and satisfying, than a microwave dinner, which may look good, satisfy the immediate hunger, but ultimately is not really beneficial as it is full of artificial preservatives as opposed to natural and healthy ingredients.
Personally for me, the topmost thing that comes is CHARACTER.
If she fails that test she could have Eva Longoria’s sex appeal, Janet Jackson’s smile ,Angelina Jolie’s lips and Shakira's body and I wouldn’t have a further thought.(Yes I know, you find that hard to believe).But many times we cast off restraints,and just think to our reasoning,"forget anything else, dude SHE’S HOT!!!” ,and i really can’t blame anyone. Self restraint over centuries of genetic programming, rarely wins and those that do forgo that opportunity, often wonder, hmmmm what could have been?
But the results of entering a relation based purely and only on the synapses the person's great looks, fires off in our brains , rarely has chance of thriving. I've seen an 'Angel', switch to a screaming venom spitting Banshee, within a fraction of a second over a very trivial and petty issue.
Too many people may have nothing whatsoever in common, but the “I’m cute I think your cute, let’s get together” seals the deal, which is enough for the first date.
But the results of entering a relation based purely and only on the synapses the person's great looks, fires off in our brains , rarely has chance of thriving. I've seen an 'Angel', switch to a screaming venom spitting Banshee, within a fraction of a second over a very trivial and petty issue.
Too many people may have nothing whatsoever in common, but the “I’m cute I think your cute, let’s get together” seals the deal, which is enough for the first date.
The next few dates will probably consist of making out( snogging), this will go on for a while and by the time they go all the way(home plate: fourth base,YATZEEE). They get bored and break up, the time of this break up varies , it may take between weeks or years but it's inevitable, one party or both suffering heart break.
From that point either(or both) find a rebound guy/girl or they start all over again with a new person. It’s a vicious cycle that a lot of us needlessly put ourselves through.
Every relationship is about foundation, whether it be your normal platonic friendship, or family relationship or that with a romantic interest, it’s all about foundations.
British performer ,Kate Nash
put it this way, “my finger tips are holding on ,to the cracks of our foundation”. Like any building that is built on a faulty foundation, it is all a matter of time before it comes caving in on you. When the waves come it's washed away like and the pieces lay strewn across the shore.
When the big bad wolf huffs and puffs, the house which; triviality,impulse,lust or chemical reactions based only on physical attraction built, would come tumbling down.
A relationship is a vehicle that carries the involved parties towards a desired destination. So picture a dating relationship started on impulse as a bullet train. Since no foundation was built , it moves from 0- 60mph within 4 seconds, and gains momentum .
Suddenly one party realizes the train is taking them in a direction that they do not want to go, and wants to stop the train. It's difficult to stop a bullet train that has gained momentum. A break up is slamming on the brakes and by the laws of physics (and Hollywood movies) there is only thing that can happen, that train is going to derail and people are either going to die or come out with severe injuries.
NOW If the relationship has built up momentum, from a stroll , to a horse drawn carriage, to a car, both parties would have realized early if this was right for them. Let's face it , even marriages do not move at that bullet train speed.
The reason why many relationships fail is that they have faulty foundations. Foundations built solely on physical attraction and the way you 'feel' around them that can never last tough times and storms. Foundations, falsely reinforced by the physical activity that occupies time spent together creating drug like chemical reactions we get addicted to.
If making out ,and as a friend of mine puts it, “sack session” is ALL that takes up the entire time a dating couple spend together,
What happens the rest of the time?, or When your body is incapable of physical activity of that kind? What happens when the hottie , starts to look like the mom Cruella De Ville, or the Stud is more Homer Simpson than Adonis??
When the big bad wolf huffs and puffs, the house which; triviality,impulse,lust or chemical reactions based only on physical attraction built, would come tumbling down.
A relationship is a vehicle that carries the involved parties towards a desired destination. So picture a dating relationship started on impulse as a bullet train. Since no foundation was built , it moves from 0- 60mph within 4 seconds, and gains momentum .
Suddenly one party realizes the train is taking them in a direction that they do not want to go, and wants to stop the train. It's difficult to stop a bullet train that has gained momentum. A break up is slamming on the brakes and by the laws of physics (and Hollywood movies) there is only thing that can happen, that train is going to derail and people are either going to die or come out with severe injuries.
NOW If the relationship has built up momentum, from a stroll , to a horse drawn carriage, to a car, both parties would have realized early if this was right for them. Let's face it , even marriages do not move at that bullet train speed.
The reason why many relationships fail is that they have faulty foundations. Foundations built solely on physical attraction and the way you 'feel' around them that can never last tough times and storms. Foundations, falsely reinforced by the physical activity that occupies time spent together creating drug like chemical reactions we get addicted to.
If making out ,and as a friend of mine puts it, “sack session” is ALL that takes up the entire time a dating couple spend together,
What happens the rest of the time?, or When your body is incapable of physical activity of that kind? What happens when the hottie , starts to look like the mom Cruella De Ville, or the Stud is more Homer Simpson than Adonis??
I admit, i honestly don't know what i'd do in that situation. Thus the reason for building a STRONG foundation beyond superficiality or just looks or how fun they are, personality does not often remain when facing adversity but character does.
Those “feelings” you have are just hormonal neuro chemical reactions that would wear away with time,
Then what!!!
After all the making out and “making love” , the question is “What else do you have, that brings you together? That KEEPS you together?
If some social, medical or political condition required that for an undisclosed number of months, your relationship must ONLY consist of sitting and talking , and the only physical contact allowed was holding hands.
How long would you last?
Would you be able to hold conversations and just enjoy each others company ONLY talking to each other?
TO BE CONTINUED
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ReplyDeleteNice piece...very well articulated. In truth, FRIENDSHIP should be the bedrock of relationships. Whoever you're "seeing" should be your friend. Sometimes, it's something that was there before, and sometimes, it evolves as both parties settle into the relationship.
ReplyDeleteThat said, the dynamics of relationships imply a real test of friendship, and can be quite demanding emotionally. A relationship can also go either way - it's a "gamble" of sort (and i use that term very loosely)! That's why you hear people opt to remain as friends, rather than "take things a step further!" They would rather "hold conversations and just enjoy each other's company, ONLY talking to each other!
For those who are able to take things beyond the "hold conversations and just enjoy each others company ONLY talking to each other" level - and there are many success stories here - it's a beautiful PLUS for them.
Nice piece!